We Deserve More Natalie Portman Rom-Coms

On the tenth anniversary (a little late) of 'No Strings Attached,' we analyze Natalie's rom-com potential.

Today — actually, ten days ago, but we’re late — we celebrate the tenth anniversary of No Strings Attached, the best rom-com about non-committal relationships that turn committal released in 2011 featuring two white brunette leads. Yes, there are two of those! Perhaps this one is better because it stars Greta Gerwig, or perhaps it’s because we don’t really trust Justin (see: I just typed Jason) Timberlake — or, most likely, the reason is actually Natalie Portman is a star at rom-coms.

So, instead of actually talking about the film itself — though the carrot bouquet, seen above, warrants discussion — we’re just going to talk about Natalie Portman. Because we can do that! She’s only been in, like, two and a half rom-coms, but that’s our whole point. She should have given us more.

Where Was Natalie’s Rom-Com Portmanassaince?

by Fletcher

If Natalie Portman had done more rom-coms, things would be different. I can’t tell you what, exactly — I just have some zany intuition that the world would be altered, for the better, with more Portman rom-coms. Let me explain why. 

One of my favorite movies of all time — a rom-com in my book, a “dramedy” (I hate this term) in others — is Garden State. Natalie plays this spunky New Jersey pathological liar with a killer taste in music, Zach Braff plays a depressed dude shaken by tragedy. Their meet-cute is shared at the doctor’s, where Sam (Portman) bounds up to Andrew (Braff) and tells him to listen to a band, The Shins, asserting that it will “change your life.” She’d be correct. The song she plays, “New Slang,” is, indeed, a life changer.

The rest of Garden State is basically Braff’s autobiography, but Portman is astounding. She’s so great that she beckons Andrew back to New Jersey after he’s headed back to Los Angeles. Her performance was subtle: not a manic pixie dream girl, per se, but a woman able to drive a man to love her so hard he crumbles. As a rom-com leading lady, she is everything: snarky, but not overtly cynical. She steals the scene, but feeds into a leading man’s charm enough that we feel it too. 

Then we get No Strings Attached, Portman’s second (and last, as far as I can tell) rom-com in the game. She slinks into a more bookish profile, but she still has great sexual tension with Ashton Kutcher. This can get lost in the whole bookish persona, which can also be overdone, trite, boring, etcetera. But Portman makes it devilish. 

Perhaps you will bombard me with this: Natalie Portman is too good for rom-coms. After all, she went on to win an Oscar for Black Swan and nearly Jackie! But take a closer look at that argument, and you’ll see just how flawed it is. Portman should not step away from rom-coms because she is “too good” for them — that implies the genre is “bad.” It is not. Plenty of rom-coms have been nominated for Oscars, with the right concept and caliber of performances. With Portman as a force in the genre, maybe we’d get higher quality rom-coms (with lower quality ones still being released, because I like watching those ones too).

She’s dabbled in pseudo-rom-com territory, like Terrence Malick’s Song to Song or Mike Nichols’s Closer. Both of which are hot, romantic, gorgeous films, so it should be easy to slap a bit of comedy into the routine. Hope is not lost; there’s still time for Natalie Portman to make her grand re-entrance to the genre. Call it a Portmanaissance. We’re heading out of this plague, god-willing, and we need a wave of art so bountiful, so beautiful, so pink-haired and full of lies. Maybe I will write about this in weeks to come (I.E. who else should take place in the rom-com renaissance post-plague), but for now, let me demand the rom-com Portmanaissance.

Here’s How Natalie Portman’s Next Rom-Com Should Go…

by Annabelle

Happy 10 year anniversary to No Strings Attached! You thought we would forget about this? No, I’m not talking about Friends with Benefits, the other just-sex-to-falling-in-love movie. We already wrote about how ridiculous this premise is in our friends to lovers issue, but the one thing that we have been neglecting to ask ourselves is this: is this the Natalie Portman rom-com we deserve? 

When writing about Natalie Portman, it is impossible not to compare her to her twin, Keira Knightley. Keira has lived up to her name in being true rom-com royalty-- Love Actually, Pride and Prejudice, even, I’ll say it, Pirates of the Caribbean! Given Natalie’s past roles as well, it is hard not to have high expectations for a NataPorto rom-com, just look at the tension in V for Vendetta! Yet, while No Strings Attached is very easy and fun, it falls flat from the high expectations I had set. 

I will admit, it is nice to see Natalie having fun for once. Yes, she’s a stressed-out med school student, but she gets to have sex with Ashton Kutcher! He brings her a bouquet of carrots instead of flowers, which rocks, but stripping down all the quirky smiley scenes, No Strings Attached is a very normcore movie. It reminds me of what a nursing student, or sorority sister would say is her favorite film. And it is an excellent one, but where, pray tell, is the yearning? Where is the ritz, the glamour, the darkness? 

To be honest, V for Vendetta is a more compelling rom-com than No Strings Attached for me. Also the Star Wars prequels, if my memory serves. Remember those Miss Dior ads? To quote Miss Spears herself, “Gimme More” (BTW, The Only Girls Who Don’t Fall At Your Feet is a #FreeBritney newsletter).  I have taken the liberty of outlining my ideal Natalie Portman rom-com below, for those concerned. 

Paris, sometime in the 2000s. A young Lillian, (Natalie Portman) donning a black headband in her hair, descends the grand palace steps. She is the ambassador’s daughter, and everything comes easy to her. Never having worked a day in her life, she blissfully walks down the Seine, until she is suddenly hit by Andre, an attractive man on a bicycle (Adam Brody). They enter a squabble, upon which Lillian leaves in a huff, her dress torn, and retires to an outdoor brasserie. Suddenly, it is apparent that aliens are taking over Paris, and it is under siege. Andre, who happened to be working in the bike repair shop across the road from the brasserie, sees that Lillian is about to be hit by a toppling lionhead stonework. Recognizing her form their encounter earlier, he rushes across the street to save her just in time. They continue to be on the run from the aliens, getting stuck in abandoned basements together as the tension builds, and realizing that Andre is a bumbling fool, Lillian must defeat the aliens herself. She shoots down a UFO from a Paris rooftop and watches it explode into fireworks, upon which Andre scoops her up for one final kiss.