'Twilight' Characters Ranked on Whether Or Not They Would Survive Middle School
Special guest Caira Turnage joins us to see who would make it out alive.
Well, folks, it’s been an insane, anxious, hellscape of a week, and it’s not even over yet. In order to distract ourselves from the absolute chaos of the upcoming election and our country divided (although how is it THIS divided, seriously?) we thought it would be only natural to talk about the two things that unite us most of all: a burning hatred of middle school, and the Twilight Saga.
This week we are joined by special guest Caira Turnage- Harry Styles scholar and Annabelle’s Real Life Middle School Friend. If you want to know what we were like in middle school, well, too bad, because that vault is sealed. However, we were extremely observant with impeccable memories (by the way Katie, I haven’t forgotten when you said orgasm instead of organism in Bio). After much intensive research and academic debate, we are proud to present the definitive list of Twilight characters, ranked on whether or not they would survive middle school.
10. Renesmee Cullen
you’re all welcome for not including her baby pic
Starting off with the lowest at number 10 is Renesmee Cullen. First of all, does she even attend school? What are the rules on that? More on this to come. If she did though, she would absolutely not make it out alive. Renesme is that girl in your class who reminds the teacher that we had homework and openly calls herself a “Grammar Nazi.” She definitely would’ve been bullied. -Annabelle
Renesmee also was one of those girls who didn’t realize she had super nasty BO and never wore deodorant. She also definitely made a big deal out of taking out her 60 pack of Flair pens for a single assignment in class and would freak out when teachers miss a spot erasing the whiteboard. No survivors here. -Caira
9. Edward Cullen
Sorry R-Patz stans but Edward would absolutely not survive middle school. He was way too into Indiana Jones or James Bond and would never shut up about it. He was one of those kids that wore peacoats in the winter. Yes, he wears peacoats in the actual movies in high school, but he started in middle school, which makes it even weirder. -Caira
Let’s not dance around it, Edward Cullen was a theatre kid. He absolutely auditioned for the school production of “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” and got a part less than he desired. He would whisper “there are no small parts only small actors” under his breath in drama rehearsal. He would be bullied and deserve it. -Annabelle
8. Bella Swan
Did anyone else play that knee replacement surgery game in middle school or was that just us? If this is a known thing Bella definitely was obsessed with that game and ate her lunch in the computer lab. She was one of those shy, awkward girls, and she definitely fake asthma so she didn’t have to run the mile in gym class. -Caira
Bella also was on the field hockey team but was outcast by her teammates because she trips so much. She’s the girl that always gets left out of group chats and so she won’t stop asking if people are mad at her. Sad, but true, Bella! That’s what you get for posting your YouTube guitar cover of Imagine by John Lennon (according to her, the deepest song ever). -Annabelle
7. Carlisle Cullen
This is where it starts to get a little more complicated. While Carlisle Cullen definitely didn’t “survive” middle school, it ended up working in his favor to make him a more compassionate and caring adult. Little prepubescent Carlisle secretly loved it when you had to go to the library for class. He was a nerd with big glasses but in an endearing way! - Annabelle
Carlisle was that kid who was also really into bugs and earth science. He probably said “cumulonimbus” with a lisp and wore Merrells, but it was cute. He looks forward to the Scholastic Book Fair every year. -Caira
6. Jacob Black
jacob played for skins when it was shirts vs. skins day in P.E.
Jacob Black doesn’t survive middle school, but he thinks he does. He thought he was one of the cool kids because he wore shorts in the winter and the chocolate flavor AXE body spray, but when he can’t find a date to the 7th/8th Grade Dance he realizes maybe he is not. Jacob would always ask girls why they were taking their backpack to the bathroom. -Caira
No doubt in my mind that Jacob Black wore those beefy DC shoes and only drank Gatorade or Mountain Dew. My vision of him is so clear. He took middle school march madness way too seriously. He’s also one of those white kids (for all intents and purposes since Taylor Laughter is white Jacob Black is also white), who took Chinese in school and made a super huge deal about the fact that he took Chinese. Shut up, Jacob! -Annabelle
5. Alice Cullen
Right in the middle is Alice Cullen, who made middle school out to be a life or death situation when she was in it, but looking back, it was not so bad. She got in just under the wire. This is probably who I was most like in middle school- Alice definitely was super into Panic! At The Disco and her favorite album is Pretty. Odd. She was also in chorus and protested when boys and girls got separated for Sex Ed. -Annabelle
We love a melodramatic queen. Alice was totally on the crew for the drama shows, but only because her friends were in it. Her backpack was definitely covered in Claire’s fuzzy animal keychains and she wore those fingerless gloves or hoodies with thumb holes. She knew about tumblr.com before anyone else but never showed anyone her blog because she only used it to read fanfiction. -Caira
4. Jasper Hale
This one is more so about Jasper’s post-pubescent life: no one really paid attention to him in middle school but it definitely worked in his favor. He would only speak when spoken to at school. He was really good at the charcoal unit in art class and always bragged that he knew how to play guitar, but for a year the only song he knew how to play was “Seven Nation Army.” -Caira
Jasper would’ve been that kid that muttered funny things under his breath in class but never had any actual real friends. He became that cool brooding kid in high school who was in two bands not including jazz band. That being said, he also pretends not to know who One Direction is, so I guess you can’t win them all. -Annabelle
3. Emmett Cullen
Starting off with our first middle school survivor is Emmett- who was definitely a jock in middle school and one of the cool kids on the football team. He was a chubby kid but he was popular and owned a pair of Nike Air socks so everyone pretended not to notice. Emmett struggled with school though, he was always that kid who took tests either right by the teacher’s desk or in the hall. -Annabelle
Emmett was probably illiterate until late in life. Remember in high school when we had to take the PSATs? Emmett totally cracked at that. He survived middle school but had difficulty down the road. He also totally fist-pumped to Dynamite by Taio Cruz at school dances. -Caira
2. Charlie Swan
My favorite twilight character, king Charlie was definitely one of the cool kids. Charlie was that nice guy who picked up the books the school bullies knocked out of Carlisle’s hands. He worked for the school newspaper and would always bring up the first amendment, but everyone listened to him. -Caira
Charlie definitely had a 7-minute mile and was super into Weezer. He loved going on the ski trips. He also doesn’t come to school on 9/11. -Annabelle
1. Rosalie Hale
plotting to overthrow the girl who wore the same abercrombie top as her today
Coming in at number one, of course, is Rosalie, who would have ruled the damn school. Rosalie went to the Jingle Ball KISS Concert every year and her social media handle is @ros4liebieberxo. In 7th grade, Rosalie was invited to 12 bat mitzvahs and will not hesitate to remind you about it -Annabelle
Rosalie was a queen bee. She had purple UGGs and wore that Victoria’s Secret PINK Warm & Cozy perfume. She’s the Regina George of middle school- her ring tone is Rude Boy by Rihanna and she has a sidekick. -Caira
HONORABLE MENTIONS
Victoria: Would not survive. She always hung out in the guidance counselor’s office or in the cafeteria at non-lunch hours because she got into fights a lot. She wore fuzzy cookie monster pajamas to school as regular pants. -Caira
BooBoo Stewart’s Character (Seth): Booboo was just all-around nice and would def survive. He played lacrosse but you would never guess he was on the lacrosse team, and always make the first move when working on group projects. He was super into Fun. though. “We Are Young” changed him fundamentally. -Annabelle
Booboo always had good snacks and would share them at lunchtime. He would call you out if you said something was gay. -Caira
Becca: Becca would just be Rosalie’s number two had lowkey had a lady crush on Rosalie. Her favorite member of Big Time Rush is James. -Annabelle
*Disclaimer- we have never read the Twilight Saga books. All of our research is based solely on the art-house films.