A Definitive Ranking of the Noah Centineo Cinematic Universe
Revisiting his filmography pre-GameStop stock movie, among other things
Noah Centineo is a hugger. He’s a social media beast, a Netflix rom-com extraordinaire, the almost-star of the adored The Kissing Booth (which, oh my god), and one of the foundations of this very newsletter. Since the release of the first To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, we’ve eyed him as a successor to Tom Hanks in the rom-com world. (Refrain from thinking about that statement too much.) This leaked Snapchat footage (NSFW, also just flat-out scarring) of Centineo roaming around an airport, whispering questionable statements into his phone? It’s only enhanced his brilliantly petrifying aura. This man is an indescribable, indestructible, beautiful, horrifying Hunk with a capital H.
Netflix has finally cast Centineo in a non-rom-com role, as an unnamed character in their upcoming film about the GameStop stock whirlwind. How will Noah fare in this uncharted territory? Only time will tell. The star is rumored to be quitting teenage roles — to celebrate his clear entrance into being Hanks’s successor, we’ve ranked his Netflix original high school rom-com films. He’s stated he’d like to work with “auteur” directors like “Gaspar Noé, the Nolan brothers, the Coen brothers, these very existential, philosophical, visceral films.” Okay?
Also, dear subscribers, we apologize for the delay in recent posts. School, work, multiple visits to museums, lots of prancing through snowy parks and plenty of cooking has kept us from penning any newsletter. Happy Golden Globes weekend, though, and congrats to our girl Emily on her thoroughly undeserved nomination. One day, Noah will be accepting an award on that stage.
But without further ado, here is our definitive ranking of the Noah Centineo Universe:
7. To All the Boys: PS I Still Love You
F: Notably, Noah is only a few degrees away from the “drivers license”drama here (Noah to Jordan Fisher to Sabrina Carpenter in Work It). He’s so unmemorable here.
A: This is the worst of the trilogy by far. Not just because for a moment Lara Jean is legitimately torn between a broadway twink and a lax bro, but also because it's just… boring.
6.Sierra Burgess Is A Loser
god i wish that were me…
A: I confess, I don’t remember much from this film, just that Noah gets with Barb from Stranger Things, and sends her a picture of himself when she texts him and asks who it is. Both extremely on-brand for a Noah Centineo movie. We need him in the new season of Stranger Things.
5.The Perfect Date
F: To quote Japanese Breakfast, “And I love a man in a (knock-off Subway) uniform because he loves me like a slot machine.” We watched this for Noah Centineo movie night back in April of 2020 — when Netflix Party bred remotely humorous comments. Is this “Perfect Date” service brilliant? Yes. Would I hire him? Also yes.
4.To All the Boys: Always and Forever
F: I like when Lara Jean doesn’t get into her dream school, she starts spiraling, and Peter asks her, “Are you okay?” Wow! Do you think Noah Centineo still listens to that three-hour-long Oasis mix?
A: The amount of PDA that Noah Centineo displays in this movie is simply nauseating to me. No one should be that lovey-dovey unless they’ve been married for 25 years, minimum. When he texts her how much he misses her when they were apart for one day? With the selfie? If my boyfriend did this I would break up with him! Why are you so obsessed with me?
3.Swiped
F: When film scholars look back at the year 2018, they will gawk at the lack of discussion around Swiped. “This rancid film, Green Book, won the Oscar for Best Picture,” said film scholars will ink in their little notebooks. “For an unknown reason, press outlets and the Academy largely ignored a possible contender, Swiped.”
A: Another addition to the “Yale or Bust” cinematic universe! But this time, Noah plays himself, aka, an asshole frat guy. No doubt about it that Noah was one of those dudes that painted his whole face for football games. If you don’t want to watch this you can watch Danny’s video on it, which is my guilty pleasure.
2.SPF-18
actually i changed my mind. i wish THIS were me
F: What ...is this movie? All I know is Noah befriends Keanu Reeves and pulls a Parasite in his disco ball-clad beach house. I need to drink a lot of sangria with these guys, pass out on the couch, and slink into either of their large arms as they carry me off to bed.
A: I woke up from watching this the next morning and was unsure if I dreamt it or not. The number of casual name drops and celebrity cameos this film has-- and for what? Pamela Anderson, Keanu Reeves, Molly Ringwald?? I’m unsure if there is a plot besides Christian Propaganda. Anyway, a must-watch.
1.To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before
who is going to tell him that these yogurts are to make you shit
F: Okay, he travels across town to fetch Lara Jean’s favorite snacks. That mop of curly hair — what! Unironically, I am a fan of his role in this rom-com, even though the rest of my NC infatuation is purely for laughs. (I love Bolu Babalola’s tweets about this movie.)
A: The origin of it all! The film that put Noah Centineo on the map! Thank you, TATBILB! Thank you for the Lara Jean tackling Peter representation! Without it we would not have been blessed with the wonder that is Noah Centineo’s social media. I would argue that his filmography outside of Hollywood should be considered just as important as any movie he’s actually in.